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I walked endlessly through the city. I'd arrive back at my office in the evenings and I would sit there in the dark watching the light of the flames outside which would shadow the pieces of paper on the floor. I'd try to collect my thoughts. Impossible. The days and nights were full of images I could not possibly digest. Men reduced to animals. A man. A member of Naval Intelligence. Kramer. He had made a home in the zoo. The zoo had been bombed some weeks before. It had been almost totally destroyed. Most of the animals were dead. Those that were alive were starved or crazy. This man Kramer had kept vigil in the cage of the primates. He was beyond human help. The zoo had served as a fortification and an anti-aircraft gunner had died there. In this cage. He was Kramer's lover. This man. The blast had thrown the dead soldier amongst the apes. The scene was beyond belief. The cage had been torn apart. The primates moved sullenly about and there was Kramer nursing his dead lover. They had been there for days. Like this. No one could help him. He would starve and die like the apes. People would come and watch this misery for amusement. The mad watching the crazed. Who was better off? Tell me. Who could tell what was happening.
What is happening? I'm up to their tricks. I can see what is happening. I cannot move away. They are very close. Why am I here? What have I come for? When will the noise stop? I cannot hear myself. My memories are falling about me. My thoughts are turning in on themselves. I am sitting in my office in Prague. It's 1943. Our troubles have begun. I sit in this room which is of the late seventeenth century. Dominant in this room, a map which is situated behind me. On it has been plotted all the points. Points of departure and destinations reached. What transports go where? How many. I have rerouted Europe's railways for our purpose. For the Jews there is only one destination. Jews from everywhere meet up at that destination. No matter where they are from. That is purely incidental. I have developed such a timetable which is the envy of my superiors. A plan to make it feasible to wipe out the entire Jewish population of Europe. Not only them. Communists and Gypsies. This timetable can move without interruption. Heimmann has worked day and night to make this a reality. It comes to fruition. Where the Jews once prospered and exploited he is now nonexistent. Entire populations. Pfuitt gone. No more. Trains that once carried stock and produce now carry the Jew to the final destination. What a glorious sight this map is. From every point I can see that the Jew will soon be gone.
The heat here is unbearable. I cannot breathe. I have depended on no one. My family gone. Alone. I've not wanted to depend on anybody. What am I expected to do? What can I do? I know they are here. I am falling to pieces. I cannot stand this for much longer. When will they come? I cannot stand it any longer. I look at the map. I see my future. The future of Europe. They will thank Heimmann one day for his trouble. HIs diligence at his chosen work. Emigration would have had its place in time. It would have helped us get money from the filth. They would have come back one day. In their droves. They had done it before. This way they'll never return. Never. Yes you will thank Heimman. Look at the map. You can go to it blindfolded. Point your hand anywhere. In that place the Jew has perished. When in those moments of great clarity I realize what I have done - I feel an honor and pride for fulfilling my historic duty. Heimman they'll say was our Redeemer. He alone rid us of the pestilence. In many years to come they will thank me. For some time I have watched the transports leave. I want to see them go. These transports taking tens of thousands at a time. Extraordinary. To watch this mass move. Unbelievable. They're guarded by two dozen men. They make no effort to go. To run away. To flee. They go to their end. Without fleeing. No different when they arrive. You'd think they arrived at a holiday resort. This is after they've been packed on trains like sardines. We have to fulfill orders. Many die on the way. Obviously. The old and the young. Others get trampled underfoot. Some give up. Packed so tight it takes five men to close the carriage. They have to push with all their strength to close the doors. Breaking a few bones I imagine in the process. I walk down to the trains. It's a sight. Limbs hair clothes and belongings sticking out of holes and cracks. Some trucks are silent. Others are in prayer. Others sound like they're infested with rats. It makes strange music. Workmen watch with disinterest. They do their work. They know where the Jew is heading. Everybody does. The Jew knows. They keep their worst fears under their homburgs. Yes. One day I will be thanked.
I must eat something. I feel empty. My mouth is so dry. I can smell the rottenness of my breath. Each breath takes my energy away. Why don't they come? I've waited too long. Why do they not come? I am here. Waiting for them. I've been looking through the photograph. Memory speaks to me. Yes. Memory speaks to me. It all comes back. Each time. Those days so close beside me now. I remember. I remember everything. Nothing has been lost. They will turn these to their advantage. I have already locked them up in my head. They talk about their struggle. There was none. None when we piled them into trucks. None. They went like sheep. They didn't fight. We had a few dozen men who could have been overpowered. They had guns. There were ten thousand Jews. They weren't all weak and frail. They accepted their fate. Yes. They desired their end. Everybody desires their end.
The trains went on their route to the camps. Passing town and village. All knew what was happening. All accepted that it had to be done. The people benefited. Today. When I hear that cry. I didn't know what was happening. I laugh. I laugh until I could die. Everybody knew what was happening. The old woman in town benefited when the Jew had gone. They would clap as the train would pass. They would applaud the train as it passed. They knew their problems would soon be over. Rail-men boasted about their work. Spread the word around. Couldn’t keep it quiet. Exaggerating. Of course. Making stories up. Whole countries were on that train. If they were to be believed. Everybody knew. Everybody knew. The nation I love has made out that nothing happened. This is their truth. Oh. The Jews. I would have helped them if I could. If only I knew. If only I knew what was happening to them. The leaders kept it from us. They whisper in unison. A terrible tragedy. If only I knew. I read their stories. Heimman did it in secret. No one knew what he had planned. We thought the Jews were off to do some laboring work on the border. We thought they were being employed in helping the war effort. If we only knew. We would have fought against it. Yes. I still hear these stories today. Liars. Dullards. I remember that map in my office in Prague. I remember it with pride. These fools defile that memory. My country like an idiot child makes out it didn't happen.
Soon after. Early ‘44 perhaps. I was at a large meeting of intelligence men from the occupied territories. I spoke to them. The map in my office was on the wall. I told these men that we were at last moving towards the final solution of the Jewish problem. Those men clapped and cheered until you thought the building was going to fall all around us. Their cheers were making them hoarse. They don't remember. It's all in Heimman's head. I imagine they think it's all in Heimman's head. That which they don't want to remember they attribute to the world of Heimman. He was the only one that knew. He is the one. Heimman kept it to himself. He told us what to do. We carried out our tasks as ordered. We had no idea. If we did we could not have done anything. He would have put us on those trains. He'd put us on the trains. We just kept our ears closed and our lips tight together. I hear them.
When will they come? I want to breathe. My chest is feeling so tight. Why can't I breathe? There was so much more to be done. In ‘44 I thought we were a year or two away from my goal. It would have been resolved by then. A few more years and my work would have been finished. I still have this photograph. A fat Jewess. We fed this bitch until she couldn't eat anymore. 25 stone. We gave her a child shirt. Look at her. Covering that fat. Look at that terror. The terror. She has been defiled beyond her comprehension. She doesn't know what she is. I've kept this photograph since the early years. I'd show it to my men. Look at her I told them. Doesn't this prove their depravity under all conditions I said. They are less than animals. You cannot treat them with any kindness. They will only abuse it. They will turn it against you. Learn their ways. Never let them fool you with their talk. With their babble I told them. They have been doing this since they constituted a race. I beat this into my men. The Jew will profit by your mistakes.
The Jews are here. I hear them. They are coming. They are making so much sound. I can hear the people in the cattle trucks. They are asking each other’s names. Have you seen uncle? Uncle. Mama? Papa? Where's Jacob gone? Isn't he beside you? He's over there with the soldiers. Mama. I'm going to meet mama. Yes, yes. That's what they told me. They're beating papa. Why are they beating papa? Stop them. Stop them. Keep quiet. If we keep quiet they will not do anything to us. They are taking us to farms in the country. Don't worry we'll meet the rest of the family there. Where are we? Where are we going? Are we in hell? We are going to be working in the country. That where they'll be taking us. Be quiet. No use yelling at them. They will not stop. We'll be all right. Stay together. I hear them. They're all around me. I can hear this noise they're making. What song are they singing? I can't hear them. I can't breathe. Lord. Why can't I breathe? I can't move. Move on. Faster. Faster. On your way. Push those bastards in. Tighter. Tighter. For god's sake they're only animals. Where are they taking us? Are we going to heaven? Why are they hurting us? Mama please hold me. Why do they hate us mama? Why do they want to hurt us? Don't worry. It will be better at the other end. Stay together. Move Jew move. Look at them. Worse than cattle. Look at them. Carrying their houses on their back. No use where they are going. They don't want to leave anything. We'll take it at the other end. Why don't they fight back? Watch them fight each other for space in the cattle trucks. Move Jew move. You will perish. Why do they want to hurt us? It'll be better at the other end. This is my nation. Move Jew move. You have no nation.
I can't hear myself think. I can't breathe. All my memories are here. All the memories compiled. I am a witness. They want to hear a story. I'm a man. I'm afraid to tell. They still have something to fear from me. Eckstein’s' sons. They'll get more than they bargain for. They'll get a surprise. Where am I? What am I doing? They'll finish me off. How can I get out? There's no home. I have no home. I've left my home so long ago. Who will find me? I can't be found. They'll find me. They'll put me on display. I don't want to see their faces staring at me. Waiting for me to feel sorry for what I have done I stand here. Knowing I did what my nation demanded. What history demanded. I have performed my tasks with rigor and definition. I followed my duty to the letter. The leadership had found a man who would not go further than they thought humanly possible. They found a man who was not frightened by the program he had set in motion. When he said that he wanted Jewry cleared from Europe. I took him at his word. I never thought for one moment that we would renege on the chance history had given us. We were men who had to face history squarely. We could never pull back. Why did the others pull back? Why did they fall on the way? When we had to push forward with strength they collapsed. They collapsed not on the enemy. No. Back on us. They got in our way. They sabotaged my efforts every inch of the way. Not by desire or intent but by their failure. Their failure to understand what events they were going through. Like the Jews. They never understood that we had unleashed the great fire that would cleanse Europe. They never understood that. Had we pushed forward — our thousand years would have come. There would have been no one before us. There has never existed in time such a chance as this. We fell on the way and they trampled us. They walked straight over us to begin again using our methods to chart the way.
All history since then has been based on what we did in those ten years. Democracy has been developed along these lines. Imperial wars all over the world have learnt the lesson we taught. We began a cleansing process that continues today. Different races. Different demands. Different goals. It all ends the same. They have stolen our ideas and turned them to their own use. There are few places on this stinking earth that has not been touched by our movement. We made history. We held history in the air like some old rag we were tired of using. They say history will judge us. I have already judged history. Something statesmen keep in their pockets to justify actions they never thought possible. I have seen it. I see them. They are here. There was a figure out there. Moving up the track. Yes. There was a number of them. I see them.
The Jew is not a smart enough animal. I'm up to his tricks. They know why I'm here. They're calling out my name. I'm here. What will they do to me? Why have I been left here? They want me to answer for everything. They want to put my name to everything. I'll accept it. I'm not afraid to accept it. I have here the key reports. I have dates. The numbers. From where? Ages. Nationalities. Who helped? I have it here. I'm not afraid. I see them coming. Eckstein is with them. I hear his voice. Very clearly. It is his voice. He has come. We have plenty to talk about. He will know me. I have only words and memories now. He has the weapons. He has the force. He will have become Heimman. He will have walked through the door of his race and he will have become Heimman. What will he do to me? I did my best for him. He will remember that. He will come to me remembering that. I don't want to talk to him. No. I'll talk to his son. They know this age. They know what has to be done to cleanse a nation. They've done a good job with the Palestinians. I'll congratulate them on that. Yes. They will understand the tasks. There will be men amongst his sons who will understand what has to be done to defend the nation.
We moved with spirit of the times and what are our excesses compared to the excesses of today? Eckstein's sons depend on the Americans and who has learnt our lessons better than any other nation? Who amongst all nations has followed our political logic? The Americans. Who more than Israel has learnt the value of defending and extending their border? These are my last moments. I know that. But who can set out to judge me? Who are these judges? Do they come to me with no blood on their hands? Do they come to me and say that their country has done no wrong? That in the service of their country they have done no wrong? That they have followed and instigated orders which have not hurt others? Who are they to condemn me? These princes of butchery treat the Palestinians no more differently that we treated little from our own. They are forgiven for their crimes. Why can I not be forgiven for mine? All over this globe there are men who have followed my path. Who know my name. Who understand that in time of great crises that a nation must act. That it will act brutally and efficiently. That is the crime. That I worked so efficiently towards our goal. That is my crime. Efficiency. That is my crime administrating that efficiency. I have always been the most efficient of men. That is what they will call me to answer for. That's what I will be accused of in the home of David. Heimman must be punished because he carried out his orders too efficiently.
All countries would be ashamed of sheltering a Heimman in their ranks. Yet each one that accuses me has not only one Heimmann. Many Heimmans in their ranks. In every punitive action a nation takes to defend itself you will see a Heimmann. These Heimmans are feted by the world. These Heimmans are given laurels. These Heimmans are awarded for their duty. Now they want to take this Heimman and hang him by the rope. Now we can start on a clean slate. Now we can move on to improve the human condition. The human condition is just a stinking pile of flesh that tries to rise above the pit by the teeth. Who will judge me? Who can look me in the eye and say they have not wished this? I took those wishes and made them real. I made them real by utilizing brutality and terror and to manifest that instinct in man which lies just below the surface. Corruption. I feel no guilt for what I have done. The nations of the world have developed through my actions. It has taken them to the heart. The human mind. That much is clear.
Eckstein's sons will know Heimman in their hearts and in their minds. They will have become Heimmans. They will have been forced to become Heimman to live in the modern world. We were the architects of the modern world. All morality stems from our movement and all who pretend otherwise do so only to hide worse crimes. They do so because they know the crimes they will commit will be worse than those of our movement. They are capable now of smashing the world into little pieces with their weapons and they accuse me of crimes against humanity. They take one small country and turn it inside out and say that I have committed crimes against nature. I am humanity. I am its expression. Who can doubt that? Who can question? Every modern man has a bit of Heimman in him. They cannot put Heimman in front of the world without the world recognizing Heimman in themselves. You cannot get rid of the Heimmann in them by getting rid of me.
They are here. They are closing in. A number of them are walking toward me. Yes. They are here. They are coming straight for me. Who is that amongst them? Definitely it's Eckstein who walks amongst them. Yes. Eckstein is coming. He's coming towards me. I knew he would come. He will know me. I knew they would find me. They found their Heimman. You were faced with knowledge. Your tribe was not ignorant to our intentions. When he wrote his book in prison. He told you what he had planned. In every party speech of consequence didn't he outline what he had in mind for you? You could have sought ways out. Your tribe could have found ways out. You knew you were never wanted here. You were never wanted in the rest of the world. You know I had feelers out for your people and no one wanted to help you in your time of trouble. No one. They all wanted to wash their hands of the Jewish problem. Every nation wanted your end. You knew that. Yet Heimman is selected out for punishment. He has to take the blame. All responsibility rests on his shoulders. He has to be dealt with. Him above all others. Your friends use you as they used to use us. They made valuable use of us then turned against us.
At the end of the war they picked the best of us. An elite. Administrators. Scientists. Doctors. Lawyers. Artists. Public officials. Intelligence people. They put them to use. They were not concerned about our past. They want Heimmann because then all their guilt will go away. With Heimman their sin will wash away. What do you want to do with me? I am not your only enemy. I am its most inarticulate point. There are others now who have more sophisticated ways of dealing with you. Who am I? Why do you want to punish me? It was the times Eckstein. It was the time. It had to be done. There was no other choice. The masses wanted it. They called out for it. I was following orders. My orders were the orders of others. I was a man who was thrown up by history and is now rejected by history. What has Heimman done that the rest of the world has not practiced or wished for centuries? Why is Heimman to blame? He is a man who placed himself at history's disposal and now he is here. Waiting for the end. He is alone. Waiting.
No one comes. No one cares. There is no history. It changes from day to day. There has been no morality to speak of since the smoke in the sky. No one wants to remember. My place in history is forgotten. The holy tasks that I have performed have been forgotten. Holy tasks in which a nation took part. In which a whole nation took part. In which a world watched as they went up in flame. No one will come. I am not sought. They want to forget me. I am forgotten. My tasks have been forgotten. I have nothing. They have nothing to say to me. I am forgotten. History has left me.
I have not left history.
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