(I had no choice. I decided to sue the fat bastard and let the courts decide. After all, what's the worst that can happen?)
TO: Mr. Kristopher Kringle
North Pole Toy Mfg, LTD
VIA INTERNATIONAL PROCESS SERVER
FROM: The Law Offices of Rush, Phibbs & DeLay
Richard (Dick) DeLay
RE: Notice of Intent to File Legal Action
Dear Sir,
I have been informed that you are the appropriate point of contact for all matters pertaining to the Christmas Holiday and, more specifically, the actions taken by your organization against my client; MR. ERIC J. KISER.
This letter is to inform you that MR. ERIC J. KISER, a U.S. Citizen residing in or about SAN DIEGO, CA who, upon retaining the services of this firm, has duly authorized me to act on his behalf in any and all matters related to the incident involving the holiday commonly referred to as CHRISTMAS.
Attached to this letter you will find our formal INTERNATIONAL SERVICE OF PROCESS, in full compliance under the Hague Service Convention filing an official Cause of Action on behalf of my client. Please note that this SERVICE OF PROCESS includes a RECIPROCAL RESTRAINING ORDER which includes you, your spouse and all members of your organization worldwide. The details of said order, as well as the more detailed information which prompted this action, are listed in the court papers attached. A summary of those actions are provided here.
MR. KISER is bringing civil action against you for the following reasons:
~ Breach of Contract (e.g. Monkey)
~ Trespassing on Private Property (Residence is clearly and legally posted)
~ Damage/Vandalism to Private Property (shingles missing, damage to chimney. See attached photos)
~ Breaking and Entering (via non-standard entry point)
~ Theft (Milk & Cookies)
~ Flying without a License (Citizen complaint filed with FAA)
~ Speeding/Reckless Endangerment (via Space/Time Continuum. Citizen complaint to multiple jurisdictions)
~ 'Click It or Ticket' violation (Sleigh does not come equipped with safety belts)
~ Cruelty to Animals (Reindeer)
~ Slavery (Elves)
~ Assault on a Private Citizen by a Duly Authorized Agent of your Organization (One of Santa's HELPER'S hit our client with a bag of toys)
~ Intentional Infliction of Mental Cruelty (Re-classification of my clients status to 'X'-Mas)
~ Pain and Suffering
In addition, our client insists upon your immediate retraction of his holiday status from 'X'-Mas and his removal from your ‘Chronically Naughty’ list as he is expecting to spend time with family and friends on, but not limited to, DEC. 25th, 2016 - including any/all other the dates reasonably associated with the holiday commonly referred to as CHRISTMAS. Our client also demands a full and public apology at a day and time of his choosing.
MR. KISER is considered an influential and well respected (albeit a bit eccentric) long standing member of this community. As such, your actions have caused him to suffer harm to both his reputation and his health (mental more than physical). As such, we are seeking General and Special Damages in the amount of ONE BILLION DOLLARS (US Currency) by proving cause in the form of Punitive, Aggravated, Restitutionary and Compensatory Damages. Additionally, we will be seeking reimbursement of all legal costs associated with this action.
On a personal note, I believe this matter can be resolved if both parties were to meet and be willing to negotiate a settlement (which apparently may include a Monkey of some kind) so both parties can put this unfortunate business behind them and move on with their lives. I would be more than happy to facilitate this meeting if you are open to try.
Please feel free to contact me at my office to discuss this matter further. I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Dick DeLay, Esq.
PS- My partners and I wish to make clear that these positions are those of our client and do not reflect the personal sentiments of any member of our organization. We are big fans of your work. It is our most sincere hope that we can keep this issue cordial and not confuse this firm with our client. Everyone here at Rush, Phibbs & DeLay wishes you and yours all the best this holiday season.
(To Be Continued)
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